Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

[god creating seahorses]

angel: any more ideas for animals?

god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

Son: “I hurt my foot”

Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”

Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”

Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁