The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
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A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?
TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
WARNING: If someone sends a link to download the new Nickelback single, DON’T CLICK ON IT! It’s a link to download the new Nickelback single
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
SiriusXM is broadcasting NASCAR because there’s nothing more exciting than listening to people drive.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?