Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
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Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
me: do you think he’ll ever walk again
wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
my proudest tweet
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.