Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
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A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee