Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
You Might Also Like
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
