Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
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Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
