Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
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“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Put a ring on it
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.