Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
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Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I am patiently waiting for your email
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too