@Aikiwomannc

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

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@Fuzzylogic2009

I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house

@Brianhopecomedy

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

@IronWang

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

@ArfMeasures

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

Often when swimming I still cross ankles and try to mermaid kick. Then I swim up to a random guy and sing to him until he calls security.

@OtherDanOBrien

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

@Ivsy01

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

@JamieGreenlees

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

@Try2StopME

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

@Reverend_Scott

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH