Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
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During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.