I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
You Might Also Like
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Often when swimming I still cross ankles and try to mermaid kick. Then I swim up to a random guy and sing to him until he calls security.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?
GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH