Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
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Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
that colleague who touches your screen