Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

ADAM: oh look the McRib is back

EVE: stop calling me that

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

School be like

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected

ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

*me, getting murdered*

Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

[three days after inventing phone]

*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*

Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs

Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.