Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
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Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
The funk soul brother
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
Bread puns are on the rise!
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.