Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Morningbreath

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If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.

DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes

ME: Do they have to be mine?

DATE: what

ME: what

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

There is no “we” in pizza

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Helicopter pilot: …no.

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.