Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
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It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
This did not end as expected.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate