watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again
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Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
consequences, the bane of my existence
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
jesus christ confetti not now
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
