Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.

Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?

3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!

because they’re holding me hostage

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.

Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*