Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

I just love that new Pope smell.

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

Wife: I am angry with you.

Husband: Again or Still ?

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’

It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.