Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

let the world know you’re kind of a big dill

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

She: I like Cats
He:

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.