Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taco Bell, Exit 22

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

I don’t hate children, just yours.

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.