Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
My dress code is business-casualty.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
