*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
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wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Are these grass-fed oranges?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.