Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.

I’ve had him about an hour now.

Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

This pepper has seen some shit

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.