Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

A large group of people is called an eww no thank you

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

To make a long story short:

Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots: