*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
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You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
🤣🤣💀
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.