Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.

WTF. I was looking right at her.

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

ㅤ

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.

I just want an internship man

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay