*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
You Might Also Like
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*