*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
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never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I falcon love using swear birds
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Only short people can save us
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
me irl
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off