Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

Boss: You gonna get any work done today?

Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.

B: Who won?

M: Jack Daniels

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?

Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”