Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

[at recycling center]

Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*

Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”

ME: “Yes”

GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”

ME: “YES”

GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”

ME: “I’m out”

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!