Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.

People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.