Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

All week the kids have been asking me where the hairbrushes are, I just checked and they’re in the bathroom drawers exactly where they’re supposed to be, which is apparently very confusing for my children

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

British people: Unicycle

American people: Collegecycle

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound