Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

tag: “dry clean only”

me: single-use garment? what a waste

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?

A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”

That’s no way to run a business, is it?

Presumably it’s a non-executive role.

every. time.