Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

and this one

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

Me: So tired

Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…

M: Please don’t

B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake

not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot

My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.

doctor: you’re going to di-

me: disney?

doctor: no

Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.

– Birds, probably

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”