Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

boss:

me:

boss:

me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.