Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: one of you will betray me

Judas: *surprised pikachu face*

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.

Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”

toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued

My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.

THIS IS BANANARCHY.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it