*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
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“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.