*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
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*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
describing stardew valley
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?