*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
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Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
the #horror is real!
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?