Date: “I don’t like Taco Bell.”
*Pushes her in front of a bus.*
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
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I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Skrillex sounds like that time I threw a bag of beer bottles into an empty dumpster & a homeless dude yelled jibberish at me for waking him.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
me: we had a baby
friend: what was the weight?
me: about 9 months