@lasergirl70

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

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@samalmightysam

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

@10InchesPlus

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

@TwterGun

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

@huntigula

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

@AndyAsAdjective

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

@DriftLight

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

@TSDD24

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

@JohnLyonTweets

I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.