*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

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Date: “I don’t like Taco Bell.”

*Pushes her in front of a bus.*


I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.


HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages


Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man


Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.


Skrillex sounds like that time I threw a bag of beer bottles into an empty dumpster & a homeless dude yelled jibberish at me for waking him.


me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket


When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.


Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.