@lasergirl70

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

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@crow_death

I’m going to put my limbs into each corner of a fitted sheet and attempt to become a sugar glider.

@arcadeseals

[watching the lion king]

me: i’ve never seen this before

wife: oh dear, better get the tissues ready

me: i’m hardly going to jack off to a bunch of lions karen

@Reverend_Scott

Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.

@lazerdoov

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

@Daveastated

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

@DennysDiner

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

@roboticcrab

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

@justokpanda

Even the muddiest puddle reflects the beauty of the sky if you look at it from the right angle. I fell in 5 puddles today verifying this,

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg

“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”

Me: *grabs another donut & runs*