*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
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[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.