If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
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Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.