I’m going to put my limbs into each corner of a fitted sheet and attempt to become a sugar glider.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
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[watching the lion king]
me: i’ve never seen this before
wife: oh dear, better get the tissues ready
me: i’m hardly going to jack off to a bunch of lions karen
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Even the muddiest puddle reflects the beauty of the sky if you look at it from the right angle. I fell in 5 puddles today verifying this,
Me: *grabs a donut from conference room* Incredible powerpoint, Greg
“Excuse me ma’am, do you work here?”
Me: *grabs another donut & runs*