*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
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If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.
Husband: On it!
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
School be like
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
technically true but not a great slogan
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.