Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?

me: yes that number is zero

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

i’m so old i’m almost back in style

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close

Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.

Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”