Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”

texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?

Costco employee: Aisle 6

Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?

Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

RT if you could go either way.

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

mandolin: finally a violin for men

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies