Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years

This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

R.I.P.

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.