Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
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reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.