Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.

I didn’t hear “to work.”

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

Me typing: univrsity

Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.

Me: Haha oops.

Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”

Me: Why would I say that?

Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

perfect

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.