*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
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Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!