*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
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DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
the saddest jazz hands ever
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Please do it!
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?