Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.

hey girl, let’s crawl into the bottom of a sleeping bag together and romantically pretend we just got swallowed by Jaws

today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.

I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are

Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.

ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.