*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
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Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
My current wife says she doesn’t like my use of adjectives
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
based
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future