*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
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I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Rude much 😂😂😂
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı