Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

forgive me baja for i have blast

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo