*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
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Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Blocked: 1985
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??