Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

[My wedding]

Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.

Me: But my dress has pockets!

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

Important reminders

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

My good tweets are in my other pants.

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon