*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
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‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER