Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?

why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

BETRAYAL

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

My blood type is b hungry.

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.