*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
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Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.