Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

You had me at “define legal”.

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

Tuesday

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water

Guy 2: why

Guy 2: well it’s shark week

Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

[entering the office]

Coworker: How are you?

Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.

Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?

Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.

My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.

[Exit interview]

HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?

GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:

geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

Any refunds available?…

I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”