*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

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The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.


Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.


On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.


Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.


If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”

Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this


My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.


My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.