@smithsara79: *watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
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@SJSchauer: Friend: what are you doing for VD? Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice Friend: Valentine's Day... Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
@Fred_Delicious: [2 dogs eating dinner] "u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great" [stops chewing] "why does this taste like chocolate"
@bourgeoisalien: I want a bouncy house at my funeral. And I want to be in it, too. When all my friends jump, my lifeless body will bounce with them. What fun