*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*

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The date had been magic.
We moved to her couch & kissed.
That’s when horror struck as my eyes locked on the Duck Dynasty DVDs on her shelf.


“Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Wally, Not Wally…” Where’s Wally Audiobook


Does Adam Sandler know that he’s allowed to turn down movie roles?


[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”


My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.


*nervously adjusts fedora in Starbucks lineup

I’ll have uh, um, a mediu- I mean vanti, uh, mochacachito?

Patrons: HE’S A FRAUD! GET HIM!!!


Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.


“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”


My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.


Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Me: Did I say that out loud?