Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.

ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure

[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.

Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.