*watches the world burn*
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If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Spa day..😅
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”