*watches the world burn*
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“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
incredible text to wake up to
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities