Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

this chia pet tastes awful

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now

me: i’ll have the mouse, please

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers

Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?

Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.