Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

There’s only one good girl here!

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.

in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white