*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
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Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Love thy neighbor’s dog
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*