Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
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Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he’s fat.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
When I was in my twenties we didn’t have hipsters we had AIDS, which was almost as bad.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Please keep my son in your prayers, he walked out of the house with only 3% battery left on his kindle and judging by his reaction this is the end of the world. Prayers
It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.