*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
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I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”