Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

excuse me

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.

Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?

*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

[on the 7th day]

Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

God: yeah totally harmless little dude

Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy

“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.

Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.