Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.

jesus christ confetti not now

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.

“you recording!?”

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.

goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.

At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?

alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death

alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.