Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now

Bear attacking me: [bear noises]

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

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The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”

Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]

Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!