*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
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Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
11: dad I have a confession
me: oh boy. What.
11: last night before you said it was bedtime I made a plate of nachos and put them under my bed. Then I ate them after bed time
me: 😂 how did you get your brother not to tattle?
9: I paid him off in nachos
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u