Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
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Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Krampus.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.