Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.

Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”

My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.

Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.

*grabs mixing bowl*

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”

My fingers.

“No, like… Are you pinching me??”

GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB