[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
You Might Also Like
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Me, in DM rooms…
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.