Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

😂😂

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:

– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.