[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
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If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.