[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
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Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Life hack
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
yeah no that’s fair
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Attacked by a mop.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people