Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.

I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.

12. I think about this all the damn time

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.