[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
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I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
My sister came over today and her hair is so gorgeous, I want to punch her in the face
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Message from the dog groomers
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.